Tuesday, November 27, 2012

This is Love.

I've been feeling far too negative as of late, so I spent Sunday focusing on writing a list of things that make me genuinely happy:

1. Roadtrips
2. Hitting deadlines
3. Receiving handwritten mail
4. Coffee!!
5. Fresh-baked bread
6. Eavesdropping on teenage boys talking about girls
7. The first time wearing new clothes
8. Freshly-laundered sheets
9. New favourite songs
10. Scientific-sounding words
11. Hugs/hand-holding (and any other oxytocin-inducing physical human contact)
12. Puppies (and most other baby animals)
13. Orgasms
14. Board game nights/building puzzles 
15. Swimming in Cold Lake (and most other bodies of water)
16. Sloths
17. Squeezing blackheads (not necessarily my own)
18. Reading books in the bathtub
19. Driving
20. Waking up in a sunny room
21. Favourite Scrabble words
22. Polka dots
23. Writing lists
24. Favourite mugs
25. Campfires
26. Dance parties
27. Potlucks
28. When someone cooks a special meal, just for me
29. Bike riding 
30. Take-out food movie nights
31. Affectionate nicknames
32. The sound of shoes clicking in an empty hallway
33. Diving off the side of boats
34. Freckles/scars
35. Second dates
36. Capture the flag/hide-and-go-seek
37. The smell of skunk
38. Drinking from coconuts
39. Sharing pistachios
40. Fresh haircuts
41. Ridiculous Facebook conversation threads
42. Spontaneously planned hangover brunches
43. Walking around barefoot outside (and also in other places that one should not typically walk in bare feet, such as airports)
44. Stealing the neighbour's cat, Loki, and making him cuddle with me

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Best Hangover Cure

"Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons; it is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth." -Walt Whitman

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Weight

I'm carrying the heartache with me like we've never been apart.

(Every time I sit down to write this, I stop myself. It's too personal, it's too much for here. After nearly 14 years of doing this, of sharing the most banal aspects of my life on the Internet, I'd like to think that I've perfected the art of maintaining a personal blog without ever actually getting too personal or giving away too much. But it's hard lately, figuring out where that line is. I've become too cognizant of who is reading these words and more so, who will read into them. And in that way, even if I only write three sentences, it may still be too much. I'm forever starting over. And yet.)

The heartache is just that--a dull ache, at best. I don't have the time or energy for tears. It's aching for a lost friendship, for a life that I never felt completely comfortable with, for something that was probably never meant to be--or maybe it never really was. It's aching with the uncertainty of what I've done and what that means and what I don't have control over.

The heartache is following me, heavy on my heels as I tromp through the city, music in my ears, frustration in my fingertips, toque pulled low over my ears. I'm carrying it carefully, close to me, because I need this now. I need to know what this means because this is how I'm going to figure out what I want.  

And in time, I'll be fine. I'm always fine. It's probably the thing that I like most about myself.

I knew that it would be like this.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Daily Affirmations

I'm in a rut that I just can't seem to get out of. I need a hobby. Instead, I've been doing this:

(I have to admit, I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to reach this point.) 

Sunday, November 04, 2012


If nothing else, at least I have my priorities straight.

(And it's true. I plan on spending the next two months eating my feelings.)