Tuesday, April 24, 2012

How to get out of jury duty early in 10 easy steps.

1. At the age of 15, decide to become a world famous actress. Develop the ability to cry on demand.

2. Be ridiculously poor. Haven't paid your April rent yet and it's nearly May? You're well on your way!

3. Look younger than you are. Stick to jeans and only a little mascara (make sure it's not waterproof, though). Greasy hair helps, too. Don't take a single day off work in the weeks leading up to your court appearance. Ensure the bags under your eyes are a little more prominent.

4. Sit in the front row, in direct view of the young male guard. (Or "officer." Whatever. They treat prospective jurors like criminals so let's stick with "guard.") Bonus points if you can find a seat beside a friendly-looking older woman.

5. Start to fixate on your loss of income. Get really angry. Keep your jacket on. Obsess about the deadline you have to meet later that afternoon. Realize that you are going to miss said deadline.

6. When someone starts to complain about the fact that the court has started over an hour later than it was scheduled to (which is just fucking disrespectful of people's time), be sure to participate in the conversation. Talk a little too loudly. Get the sympathy of the nice lady beside you.

7. Start taking lots of shallow breaths. Is the guard looking? Good. It's time for the waterworks. (At this point it's probably legitimate anyway.) Make sure the mascara is all over your face.

8. Get up to talk to the guard. There's no shame here. In between sobs, ask if you can be excused to go for a walk. He'll be unprepared and pass you along to a higher authority.

9. Talk to the manager. Make sure to use the key phrase "I understand how important it is to do my civic duty, but. . ."

10. Go home hours early, wash your face and work harder at not being poor. Reconsider your failure to become an actress. It's clear that you had potential.

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