It's not that Judaism, as a religion, kind of makes sense to me.
It's not that I may or may not have at one point fallen in love with an Israeli soldier who wore thong underwear and fought over me with another guy in Hebrew. (Swoon, I know.)
And it's not that apart from highland dance, my own upbringing and heritage seems so culturally devoid.
More or less, it's that I'm obsessed with the fact that Jewish young adults get to go on the Birthright trip to Israel. (Although, I have been obsessed with Judaism for the last two years or so. If not as a religion, then I'm definitely obsessed with it as a culture. Unfortunatly, while you can convert your religion to Judaism, you cannot convert your heritage. Damn.)
I mean, you get to go to Israel for 10 days on an all-expenses paid trip where you learn cultural stuff. It's not even specifically a religious trip (trust me--I've looked into this.) I can't possibly be the only person plotting ways to become Jewish so I can go on the birthright trip?
My neighbour just came back from the birthright trip last week. When I told him about my obsession, he told me, as I've been told a dozen times before, that I could easily fake it.
"What's your last name?" he asked me.
"That's the problem," I sighed, "it's [insert absurdly obvious Scottish last name here]."
"The red hair isn't exactly helping your out either," interjected my other neighbour. Even though I'm something like seventh generation Canadian, I'm quite obviously of Scottish or Irish background.
There's only one solution:
They'll never question me once I successfully grow curly ques. Nobody questions a Hassidic Jewish man.