Tuesday, January 15, 2008


It's not that Judaism, as a religion, kind of makes sense to me.

It's not that I may or may not have at one point fallen in love with an Israeli soldier who wore thong underwear and fought over me with another guy in Hebrew. (Swoon, I know.)

And it's not that apart from highland dance, my own upbringing and heritage seems so culturally devoid.

More or less, it's that I'm obsessed with the fact that Jewish young adults get to go on the Birthright trip to Israel. (Although, I have been obsessed with Judaism for the last two years or so. If not as a religion, then I'm definitely obsessed with it as a culture. Unfortunatly, while you can convert your religion to Judaism, you cannot convert your heritage. Damn.)

I mean, you get to go to Israel for 10 days on an all-expenses paid trip where you learn cultural stuff. It's not even specifically a religious trip (trust me--I've looked into this.) I can't possibly be the only person plotting ways to become Jewish so I can go on the birthright trip?

My neighbour just came back from the birthright trip last week. When I told him about my obsession, he told me, as I've been told a dozen times before, that I could easily fake it.

"What's your last name?" he asked me.

"That's the problem," I sighed, "it's [insert absurdly obvious Scottish last name here]."

"The red hair isn't exactly helping your out either," interjected my other neighbour. Even though I'm something like seventh generation Canadian, I'm quite obviously of Scottish or Irish background.

There's only one solution:

They'll never question me once I successfully grow curly ques. Nobody questions a Hassidic Jewish man.


  1. Anonymous5:39 PM

    golden! i love it.
    also, you could totally go on birthright and pass as a jew. i know a jew with the most non-jew last name ever - whiteside. i'm sure yours would pass. i can be a reference if you'd like.

  2. Anonymous6:03 PM


    It's funny, because I too have always wanted to go on Birthright. I recently heard that you don't have to be Jewish to go on it anymore. Maybe we should investigate further...

    ps Are you putting your hair into a beehive for tonight? That's awesome. I feel like I should really step up my game a little bit.

  3. Anonymous7:15 PM

    That Hasidic look is definitely working.

    I also suggest using Yiddishisms in your daily conversation. Like after lunch be sure to say "oy, I'm plotzing" (I'm so full I'm about to burst).

    Anyway you can still go visit Israel -- it's an amazing country. I particularly recommend the falafel stands in Jerusalem.

  4. The key factor is that I have no money to visit Israel. Oy. And also, I only just learned this week that mulatto is apparently politically incorrect (another thing on my growing list). I clearly have no sense of political correctness. Sending me to Israel on my own is probably not the wisest thing to do.

  5. Was my last comment politically incorrect? I'm so confused.

  6. my friend jon ruelens is a redhead, and half-scottish, and also jewish. f'real. you met him last night. i'm not making this up.

  7. Oy vey zmir, Bubbala -- it takes some serious chutzpah to kvetch about the your goyim Irish heritage! Have you gone completely meshuggina or are you fercockt?!? If you ask me, you're a mensch just the way you are, so stop kibitzing nonsense about being Jewish. Oy yoy yoy, it's enough to make this schlub ver clempt!