Hiatus

Last night, I broke all the rules.

I stayed out late.

I drank. (Alcohol.)

I wore makeup.

And the deadliest of sins--I wore my contacts.

It was the best decision I ever made.

I feel like a cloud of some sort has lifted. Maybe it's hangover-induced faux clarity talking, but maybe I just needed to let loose and break all the rules to figure out where my life is going.

The application dates for the newspaper summer internships have passed. I watched my colleagues in their Sunday best, portfolio books in hand, walk in to meet their potential future employers.

I didn't apply for a single newspaper internship. I don't even own an official portfolio. (I really need to get myself one of those. And then once I get that, I need to actually write and publish some pieces to put in the given portfolio. That is, write some pieces that don't involve pictures of me with the word "KILL" spelled out on my forehead in Scrabble tiles, talk about my love of kava, how I only dated men with beards for a year, or that rate lubricants.* While all this writing has been fun, I don't know if employers are really looking for drug-loving, beard-obsessed Scrabble player who is well-versed in lube as an employee.)

I've always been the type of person who gets what I want. I'm determined. I'm persistant. I'm stubborn. And sometimes I'm charming. If I want to go and work in a developing country, I end up in Vanuatu. If I want to get over a break-up, I move across the country. If I don't want to pay for a movie rental, I flirt with the gawky Blockbuster employee.

But I'm graduating in four months and I have no clue what I want. How can I get what I want if I don't know what I want?

All I know is what I don't want. I don't want to work for a newspaper. And I don't want to limit myself.

But today, I do know this--I love my friends. Thanks to everyone who came over to my place last night. I need each and every one of you in my life, especially right now. The last four months have been a long haul, and not being able to see you guys has made it a lot harder. Every potluck, every trip to the movie theatre, every hug I've gotten in the magazine lab helps.

I'm looking for a job in Toronto, and it's not just because of the D. Dodd. It's because this is where you are, and where I want to be. (At least for now.)

And the best part is, despite breaking all the rules, I woke up this morning and my eyes weren't any worse. Maybe the gloomy cloud isn't the only thing that's lifting.

(Also, if anyone's interested, there's an entire frozen peppermint cheesecake in the freezer that I need help eating.)

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*The lubricant story was assigned to me. For real.