Thursday, March 01, 2007

I'm sick of crashing

Got weddings coming up this summer?

But got no date?

Are you parents bugging you because you still haven't met a nice girl? Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Have you RSVPed to a wedding for "2" but you actually have no clue who you'll bring as a date? Or do you just want a hot escort to stave off boredom?

Book Now and I will be your date, free of charge!*

I am fully equipped to come to any of your summer weddings. I have an established wardrobe of suitable wedding attire, and can dress to your specifications. Even my cleavage is adjustable.

I'm capable of establishing clever rapporte with all annoying cousins removed twice by marriage, I'll let uncles who wear too much cologne pinch my bum, and I'm full of interesting and witty anecdotes for any occasion or mood. (Favourite anecdotes include random historical facts, parasitic fun, cannibalism stories and political jargon. Or, if you come from a tame family, I'm happy to discuss my journalist endeavours and current affairs. For those of the redneck breed, I am well-versed in the latest America's Next Top Model contestants.) Parents love me, male friends will ask where you found me, and ex-girlfriends love to hate me!

Dance styles include (but are not limited to): swing-dancing, two-stepping, the chicken dance, the macarena, the end of the night slow-dance with the drunk groomsmen, and letting small children dance on my feet. I also liked to flipped and spun a lot.**

I'm flexible and willing to meet all your wedding dates requirements, regardless of the goal you have in mind.*** I also make an excellent wingman (apart from the whole "man" part of the equation) and can help you score with a bridesmaid.

Book Well in Advance to Secure Your Wedding Date this Summer.

Guaranteed to leave you with memories that will fill up at least 2 of those disposible cameras they always leave on the table.
*This opportunity can be all yours for the only the cost of 5-10 drink tickets and a reception style meal! And, if it's an open bar, my accompaniment to you comes completely free of cost!

**This does not mean I will do these dance styles well, or that I will keep my shoes on, or even stay on my feet. But I'm willing to try. And I'm a lot of fun.

***Sorry, unfortunately I will not cry at wedding ceremonies, nor will I say, "awww" at the requisite moments when you are supposed to. Also, although I can force myself to goo and gaa at your sister-in-law's illegitimate new baby, I draw the line at holding babies. Also, if it's a Mormen wedding, you have to ply with me the promise of beer post-wedding reception.


  1. Anonymous9:48 PM

    That is actually a really good idea. And clearly you are the total package.

    Plus you can swing dance? Impressive.

  2. Will you wear those moccasins too?

    I like your polka dot dress.

  3. Actually, come to think of it...

    Wanna come to Bill's wedding? It's in early June.

  4. I'd love to come to Bill's wedding! Do you have a +1 on your invitation?

  5. Love that red dress, sweet moves!

  6. Did I ever tell you about the time I was the best man in a Mormon wedding in Hinkly, Utah? Oh, man, that was that something else. No dancing, no coffee, no alcohol, no nothing! With the notable exception of home-made root-beer brewed up by the female members who did nothing but sit around Hinkly waiting for their boyfriends\husbands to return home from their Mormon pilgrimage.

    Beyond creepy!

  7. Andrew (my brother) and I have also previously attended a Mormen wedding. The first picture in this post is actually from the same wedding. I won't talk about it, but I don't think it's necessary to do so.

    Also, to everyone else curious, the red dress was made by my roomate Sasha as part of her portfolio to get into the fashion program at my university.

  8. Go Sasha! That dress is hot! Seriously, you should ask her if you can have it.

  9. Anonymous6:57 PM

    its mormon the mormen...a reference to something? oh weddings....good times all around.......

  10. Hey Kate,
    Way to comment. No, no reference. I just have bad spelling. Or maybe I'm just being secretly apt. Hahaha. Okay, no, I really wasn't.
    The end. (Mormen reminds me of Mermen.)

  11. Very cute. Your writing.

  12. Would you be willing to fly out to L.A.?

  13. Hmmm...L.A. I haven't been there in at least 15 years. It's definitely a possibility!