Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Three Hundred Forty and Counting

I have dated only bearded men for 340 days this year. (That's not to imply that I dated 340 men or that I dated a bearded man for 340 days of this year. Granted, I spent most of the year single, as per usual, but it is still the sheer weight of the fact that this is the first resolution that I haven't broken. Amazing.)

Only 25 days left in 2006: Year of the Rash. Who knew I would come this far?

Can somebody please throw me a celebration party or something? I think I deserve some champagne and maybe a cake with a bearded man on it or perhaps just a miniature statue of a bearded man, because I think that asking for a real bearded man on a cake might be asking a little bit too much. The soundtrack could be entirely of men who have beards at pivotal points in their music careers, as all good male musicians do. Oh, and if we could have that Ewan McGregor motorcycle documentary where he's all scruffy going on big screens in the background? That would be great too. I haven't quite figured out what the party favours should be, but I'm thinking that the goodie bags could contain both razors and fake beards, so that everyone has the choice. (The party favours will also serve as quite heavy symbolization of the new options open to me regarding facial hair in the new year. Hell, in 2007 I could date someone with a chin strap or mutton chops, or even a guy with one of those weird diseases where you can't grow hair at all if I wanted! The possibilities are endless!) And for table centrepieces we could get some of those barbershop heads, and everyone could craft them accordingly with the provided scissors, fur and glitter. We could even have a contest where people could choose my 2007 resolution for me! There should also be an engraved trophy, and perhaps a framed certificate of achievement. Is this all too much to ask?

Because not only do I think that I'd really like that, I think I really deserve it.


  1. I thought of the meanest new years resolution for you. Its funny though, it really is. But for you, its mean.

    Im totally up for this, but you're leaving really soon and well Ive too many exams to prep. So I think this automatically falls on Mark0's or your roommate's shoulders to pull off.


  2. Well done, and thanks, on behalf of bearded men. We need more like you - hot, and inexplicably dedicated to facial hair, at least temporarily.

  3. Anonymous3:07 PM

    well... thanks for volunteering me for this, Junior. Don't think I'm going to be able to arrange such a hoo-rah, however.

    Chin Strap!!?!???/ Please, no, Jess, No!

  4. I'm just saying. . .it could happen! I'm open to so many new possibilities now!

    And I was just joking about the party. (Do I even really need to clarify this?) After all, I don't even like cake that much.

  5. I used to rock a chin-strap.

    Mark0 anytime.

    I now forget what that mean resolution was. Fuck. It was classic too.

  6. I could make you one of those old fashioned certificates like my parents used to make me when I was a kid. " Worlds Greatest Hockey Fan" Do you remember those posters that ancient computers used to make where the pages were all connected and the letters were all composed on tiny tiny dots. Your posted would say something like. "2006 Beard Loving Champion" - Love Monique

  7. Anonymous10:34 PM

    I'm sorry to break the news, but you don't deserve a party at all.

    Unless you want to uninvite me for christmas (which may please your mom) you may be dating a non-bearded man for the last month of the year. My face is completely free of any facial hair; No stach, no chops, no strap.

    I hate to say it, but you might be a cheater.

    The blogging world is shocked and appalled, not to mention dedicated new years resolvers around the globe.

  8. But when I met you, you had a beard.

    Although, I have to admit, my parents might be a little dissapointed in me. Way to ruin everything.