Sunday, December 31, 2006

This is a poll.

I have an important New Year's Question:*

What direction do you face in the shower? Facing the showerhead, or facing away from the showerhead? And why?

*Okay, this actually has nothing to do with New Year's. You caught me.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I put the ex in sexy.

Romantic Things I Said to Alex Dodd Today:

A Comprehensive List

1. When Alex borrowed some Kleenex from me to throw his gum into, I kept holding onto the tissue even after he discarded the gum into it. "Um, do you want me to take that?" he asked. "Nope," I told him happily, "I kind of like the feeling how warm the gum is."

2. "I have as much toe hair as you. But I shave it off. I don't bother shaving my legs most of the time, but I always shave my toes."

3. "I want to squeeze your blackheads. It looks like fun. There must be a lot of stuff in there. Like, when you squeeze them, is it painful? Or kind of enjoyable?"

Also this didn't happen today, so it clearly can't be part of the official list, but when Alex Dodd first arrived, I greeted him this story:

When I was at church with my mom and brother on Christmas Eve, we were getting a little rowdy in the pews, as per usual. We had to sing Silent Night which suddenly provoked a memory from my youth of the actions that going along with the song, which I started miming to my brother's amusement. This triggered another association in my head, to the time in Vanuatu where I was required to sing a song about Jesus that I had never heard before with actions that I had never performed before, in front of the entire church (yes, it turned out as awesome as one can surmise.) And of course, in a chain of associations, I suddenly started thinking about cannibalism on the island of Malakula.

And then, just as I'm thinking all these thoughts, we come to this verse of Silent Night:

"Holy child, so tender and mild. . ."

Mmmmm. Holy child. Sounds delicious.

Oh, and that's not all I'm doing to turn Alex Dodd's crank. In order to up the ante, or how do you say--put some more heart balloons over our cartoon heads?-- I've been pulling out all the stops. Today, we went shopping with my brother for some Yaktrax. I wore a shirt all of yesterday that read "I like to get it on with boys who vote" for the sole reason that I knew Alex Dodd would hate it (a little bit of tension always helps the relationship). This morning I made no disguise of my coughing up of flem loudly. I beat my mom, my brother, and Alex at Scrabble twice yesterday by more than 100 points each time, and gloated about it for the rest of the evening. In terms of non-Scrabble related conversation, we've spent a lot of time talking about produce, in particular the gases that different fruits emit and the key differences between rutebagas and turnips. (Can't you just see Cupid floating in the air? Swoon!) And of course, let's not forget my repeated impressions of barnacles (Alex Dodd thinks this facial expression and hand gesture is particularly sexy--he told me so himself). Then, to top it all off, I promised him a backrub which I never followed through on.

What can I say? I'm a natural Don Juan. If these tactics don't make the fluffy cuddly rabbits run through his head amidst rainbows, colourful fields full of fluffy clouds and wildflowers with a late 1960s soundtrack, nothing will.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

How to Get What You Really Want

Toronto had nearly worn me down. It was time for my much-earned winter vacation.

After only one hour of sleep, I woke up last Friday morning to fly to Edmonton. By 5:18 a.m. I was patiently waiting for the shuttle bus to take me to the airport.

This strange beard-less character was waiting for me when I arrived. Wired, I mumbled something incoherently about being hungry, and he obligingly started to cook me a meal, giving me the chance to inspect his new place of residence (which is more commonly known as "snooping.")

Alex Dodd is living in his aunt and uncle's basement. The whole house is normal enough, until you start to look more closely.

We braved the semi-raging snow whiting out the roads, and went to the Black Dog for libation and friends.

Much of the rest of the week followed suit, with me dragging Alex Dodd all over the city to meet my various friends and foes, and with him gazing adoringly at me throughout every social excursion. (Or, at least that's how I'd like to think things happened.)

We went home after the Black Dog, and I went to sleep in a serious Rest Cure fashion. Except without, you know, the knawing on bed legs and stuff.

Alex Dodd has never heard of Charlotte Perkins Gilman. His wallpaper will make more sense to him once he does.

I take excessive comfort in Alberta.

And now, I'm at home in Cold Lake, buried deep in a book, blankets and snow. I'm happy to be home.

Monday, December 18, 2006

It needs a title?!

I would blog, but I have a very comfortable fellow human being to curl up with. (Apparently this particular inividual has the same ears as me. It's almost like incest.)

I'm unwavering and flowing instead of ebbing, and there's snow, and music, and a surplus of friends and food and Alberta.

I learnt about a new punctuation mark yesterday. The interrobang. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it.

There will be pictures soon.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Okay, who put this on me?

Today love came knocking directly on my door. . .or my name just got a phone list for telemarketers that run a dating service. I kid you not. I just had a dating service call me asking if I wanted to sign up to meet someone to share my life with.

Wow. That's a new low. Not for them, but for me.

That's the social suicide equivalent of Lava Life personally calling you up and being like, "Good evening Ms. L---. Our records show here that your historical love life has been so pitiful that you've had to resort to making ridiculous resolutions to resolve the problem. Well, we're here to help you out!"

I just want to know how my name got put on that calling list. Like, did they somehow analyze my airmiles statements and what I buy for groceries? Are there staticians that are employed by these companies to analyze my shopping choices and be like, "Oh, yup, this one bought a single serving microwave dinner and some chocolate. Afterwards, she went to the LCBO and bought a bottle of red wine. This happens nearly every week. There is also one charge on her for a individual person's admission to the movies. Yup, this one has to be single."

It gave me a certain sense of satisfaction to tell the telemarketer that No, I'm not looking for love. But thanks for calling.

Exclaimation marks to spare!

I keep getting nail polish all over my keyboard.

But at least I finally learned how to paint my own fingernails. (I've been having a hard time with it ever since Courtney moved out.) I'm a real girl, now!

I probably bombed my final exam today. But the truth is, I got kind of bored in the exam room, so I left.

I have seen my Dad for a total of 2 and 1/2 in all of 2006. He's picking Andrew and I up in Edmonton on Wednesday. I will likely take an excessive amount of pictures, mainly of the igloo I intend upon building immediatly upon arrival in Cold Lake. Andrew is going to help me, but he doesn't know it yet. (Well, actually he knows it now, because he'll read this he when I'll probably be in Alberta, and he'll still be in B.C.) Many of the pictures will likely feature Andrew looking disgruntled but obliged to help me with my snow fortress of DOOM! (As opposed to, you know, my snow fortress of a magical winter wonderland. I figure my brother will be more likely to help me if we call it the snow fortress of DOOM! And, I'm pretty sure more boys will be willing to hang out in my igloo with me if you have to say the name of it an octave lower than your normal speech patterns. It's a surefire plan.)

Also, I got Andrew a really good Christmas present. I never did manage to make myself a Christmas wish list. But I do really want the domain name, so if somebody wants to buy it for me, I'd be really happy. I'd even considering naming my snow fortress of DOOM! after you.

But I'm not making any promises.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Thoughts? I'm full of them. Execution? Not so much.

As some of you within my exclusive inner circle know, for the past couple of months I've been very secretly* planning and plotting my 2007 New Year's Resolution.

With 2006: Year of the Rash (aka Year of the Beard) having been one of my proudest lifetime accomplishments, I know I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to.

The only problem is, I'm not sure if I want to put my mind to it. Maybe I'm getting too old for this nonsense. Maybe I'm annoying people instead of entertaining them. Maybe I'm reinforcing the fact that I may just be an attention craved lunatic.

But judging from the overall results of 2006, the resolution to make completely inane resolutions was completely ane.** And I'm quite pleased with the outcome of my endeavour.

Really, my hesistance comes down to three factors:

a) Time: I don't have much right now. I want to spend my time in Alberta with my friends and family-- not in front of my computer.

b) I need support in terms Expertise: I'm lacking the know-how to build the site that I want to. If anyone has a couple of hours to kill to help me with site design, I'd be much indebted. I'd also like to potentially buy a domain name. I already picked out a really good one.

c) I need support in terms of interest: does anyone even care? (Trust me, this latest idea has the potential to follow firmly in the footsteps of other ridiculous ideas I've had: ie. MakeOut Campaign 2004, and the Calendar)

If I can pull this off with a minimum amount of time investment, and if there's interest, maybe it's worth it?

(If not, for those of you who are within the elite inner circle and have already listened to me ramble about 2007, please never bring it up again, because it will likely bring a tear to my eye, and will make me wish I had a monocle to cover up the evidency of the crying.)


*In otherwords, in classic Jessica-fashion I've told everyone who is willing to listen.
**Ane. Antonym to "inane". Wanna fight about it?

Monday, December 11, 2006

I was born at the age of 19.

A couple of weeks ago, Katrina was in my room looking at some pictures I have tacked up on my wardrobe beside my bed. She was trying to guess how old I was in all the pictures, and when she kept guessing wrong, I had to clarify for her, "All of those pictures are taken post high school."

It wasn't until I pointed this out that I realized my room is completely void of all evidence that I ever attended high school or had a life before university. (The reason why this is notable is because I'm a notorious packrat when it comes to memorabilia. I have, somewhere in my posession, every photo ever taken, every friendship bracelet ever worn, and every note ever passed to me in class. If you have ever sent me a postcard, written me a letter, or even written me an e-mail, chances are, I have a hard copy of it somewhere.)

With a little bit of extra time to sort through and clean my room this weekend, and inspired by Canice's post, I decided to take a photographic treasure hunt throughout my room for any or all proof that I ever went to high school.

These are the only artifacts I could find:

One very skinny half-filled photo album of random snapshots, school pictures, and concert stubs. The majority of the the content in this photo album is actually post-high school.

But it does contain treasures like this. Elana, Alex and I circa 1999. (This was technically junior high school, since we didn't go to high school until grade 10.) Check out the sexy way my collar bones protrude because I'm unhealthily skinny.* Awesome!

This hub cap (which was actually given to me by Mike when I moved to Edmonton, several months after we graduated) belongs to Le Baron that I spent a big chunk of my high school time in. The guy in the orange hat (Al) was the first person I ever made out with. He was my grade 10 boyfriend until he dumped me in favour of sleeping.

One framed picture, dating August 2002, featuring Naomi, Helka and I. This was also actually taken after I graduated, so it barely qualifies as a relic of high school.

Is this it? A photo album, one framed picture and a hub cap? Is this all that remains of 3 years of my life?

And that's when I found it:

My high school graphing calculator. I was in Math Pure (advanced math) until I dropped out in grade 12. (It wasn't until after high school that an employer pointed out that I'm mildly dyslexic with numbers, which poses a huge problem when you're trying to solve algebra problems. Thanks public education system for failing to acknowledge this!) This is the calculator case. In pencil, someone wrote, "Mo is sexy." And engraved, someone wrote, "Mike is sexy." (And by someone, what I mean is, Mike wrote "Mike is sexy.")

People would always steal other people's graphing caculators, because they were worth hundreds of dollars. Sometimes they would be stolen and then mysteriously be returned with new words carved into them with a mathematical compass. My calculator was stolen many times, but always returned because it was unmistakable for anyone else's, due to all the engravings on the case and body of it.

Such as this one. Oh, you can't read that? Let me clarify: Satan. 666.

Satan was my high school "nickname" that people would "fondly" yell at me when when I walked through the school agora.**

And with that my treasure hunt ended, because I suddenly remembered the reason why I don't have any evidence of my high school existance.***

*I was really sick in ninth grade, and became underweight.

**Our school was shaped like a giant pinwheel, with the hallways being the spokes and the meeting centre in the middle called the agora. It was pretty much impossible to walk from class to class without walking through the agora, so this is where much of all the joys of high school occurred. At least in movies the characters can avoid the "meeting places" like the cafeteria by just not eating lunch there. This was not an option at our high school.

***This is not to imply that I didn't have good high school memories. But there's definitely a clear dichotimization in my personal history.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Dear Newmindspace: I may stand slightly corrected.

So, I just got a really nice and polite e-mail apology from Kevin of Newmindspace. Because I feel it's only fair that I share this with you, here are some clarifications on my conversation from last night.*

Judging from his e-mail, Kevin and Lori are far from idiots, despite my previous allegations, and I no longer wish to slap them upside the head.** In terms of being socially aware, I think there is a certain amount of social responsibility that is reflected in the fact that Kevin took the time to write me an e-mail. So, thank you again Kevin!

(Also, Newmindspace wasn't hosting the afterparty. It is hosted by Uberave. They merely issued an invite to the party on their website.)

From my understanding, the turnout for the event far exceeded their expectations. I think this truly reflects that there is a need in the city for these sort of events. However, I hope that in the future the Newmindspace crew is more prepared to handle the larger crowds, and weigh the consquences and possible outcomes of their events and actions more carefully.
*This goes to show how easily my opinion is of people swayed by really good manners and just general genuine courtesy for other people. (It's rare to come by in this city.)

**Also, I've learned my lesson about posting msn conversations rather than taking the time to write something with carefully weighed words. Hurting people is senseless, and not on my list of things to do.
[Edit: December 11th] I don't know why I'm feeling inclined to add to this post again, but after a couple of conversations I've had today, I'd like to clarify that I stand by a number of my initial points:

Those points being that newmindspace was ill-prepared to handle the crowd, showing a complete lack of foresight. Also, the holiday consumerist aspect of buying 5,000 eggs created of a non-biodegradable product is still a stupid and environmentally irresponsible thing to do. I think this post came across as so diplomatic that it appeared I was retracting my original opinion, which I am not.

The End.

Dear NewMindSpace: You are de-linked.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
I'm also kind of annoyed

Alex says:

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
I had a run-in with the New Mind Space kids tonight.

Alex says:
i dont know what that is

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
The socially and environmentally irresponsible ravers who aren't aware that the rave scene died when they were still in elementary school

Alex says:
hahahahaha. fucking ravers
i'm not going to that website now that you said ravers

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
They organize the giant capture the flag fights etc.
And do a lot of "public meets private space" type stuff
they do all the streetcar and subway parties.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
Previously I thought it was kind of cool, especially as an outlet for teenagers who don't really have one or whatever. I like that they're trying to do something different
but I realized tonight they're kind of idiots.
Picture this: I'm waiting for a streetcar for 20 minutes in the biting wind, when I finally see one coming. I get really excited, then out of nowhere this mob of people runs in front of the streetcar (there was seriously at least 300 people, no exaggeration) and starts throwing these LED lights at the streetcar.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
Half of them were obviously cracked out on something because they all think they're ravers.*

Alex says:
thats pretty stupid

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
And they were running in front of a moving streetcar. Which, by the way, continued to roll past me, so I had to walk halfway home in the freezing cold by myself.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
Anyways, this is what annoyed me. Kevin, who is one of the organizers (I recognized him from pictures I've seen) talking to Laurie (his girlfriend and co-organizer, who permanently has these sparkly fairie wings attached to her back and was wearing what happened to be boots that made her legs look like an animal out of Narnia) and he's like "The cops are trying to stop us!"
He was shocked and appalled that the police should have a problem with people a) disrupting public transit and b) being cracked out and running in front of a moving train
like, seriously, are they completely stupid?

Alex says:
these people sound incredibly stupid

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
I just didn't get it. Disrupt traffic all you want.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
But disrupting public transit? Doesn't that go against everything they stand for?

Alex says:

Alex says:
although, public transit is nothing special in my mind

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
Public transit is special in my mind when it's like -20 out, and I want to get home. Also, annoying: at easter they organized this massive easter egg hunt
Anyways, they bought 5000 (!) fake plastic eggs and hid them around the Kensington area
and I'm like, "Um, that's about the stupidest thing I've heard in terms of being environmentally concientous ever. Thanks for contributing to the problem."

Alex says:
i already hate these people and i first learned of them 2 minutes ago

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
Yes, so that is why I'm annoyed.
I just want to slap them upside the head.

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
I think they've got good ideas.
But the thing is, they brought out a crowd of 300 people, a lot of whom are young teenagers and are easily influenced and still figuring out shit.

Alex says:
they're following what they've been told are good ideas, and going about it in a way that is as stupid and useless as an average ignorant fool

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
And I don't think they're aware of the power they have. They're just kind of attention whores.

Alex says:
and they're probably pretty self-righteous

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
probably. who knows

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
also, I was checking out the website, and apparently they're hosting a free after-party

Alex says:
you should go

i'm winning you with words because i have no other way says:
but it's an illegal party on private property, so people could get charged for trespassing
which they totally fail to mention in their invite.

Alex says:
hahahahah. i can see that you are rightfully annoyed
*I'm basing this opinion upon what I witnessed from these people surrounding me. I'm not applying a stereotype; I'm stating a fact.

Also, am I the only msn user to always capitalize "I" and use periods?

[Edit- Saturday afternoon] So I was checking out the comments on the Newmindspace page earlier today, and at least one other person who had also been waiting for the streetcar with me was also annoyed. They left an exceptionally polite comment informing Kevin and Lori that perhaps they should consider not disrupting public transit when people are trying to get home, and that they should consider becoming more socially concientous.

After thinking about it, I was also going to leave a polite comment in agreement with this individual.

That is, until I went back a couple of hours later and noticed that Kevin and Lori have since deleted the one negative comment from their page.

Annoyance has escalated further. Even I don't delete the meanest comments I get, let alone bother deleting the justifiably negative but polite comments.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Celebrate the Purpose

There's always been something about the nature of birthdays that confuses me.

I guess it's that somewhere in between the drinks and the laughter and the planning and the gifts we tend to forget the real reason we're celebrating. Somehow, the purpose gets lost in the process.

But today, I know why we're celebrating.

We're celebrating being lucky enough to know that person.

We are celebrating that birth of someone close to us, who has affected us, changed us, helped us. We are celebrating someone that we've shared and created memories with. Birthdays are for celebrating the sheer existance of someone we love.

I wish you the happiest birthday Alice, and I'm glad you exist. Thank you for being part of my life.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of yawn

It is taking every bit of personal will and strength not to blog about my personal life right now.

(Which may seem hilarious to those of you who are astute enough to realize that I'm still willing to post pictures of myself passed out on the sidewalk without any hesistation. I do know, however, where to draw the line, and that line is drawn where other people are concerned. For example, I would never post a picture of a friend passed out on a sidewalk, unless of course, I had their permission. And you will almost never hear me talk about my personal relationships or similar topics, because after weighing the possible consequences, I know it's not worth it.)

The ongoing journalism saga involving [noun] and [noun's noun] and my personal ethics and response to the whole situation is actually kind of simulatenously hilarious and engaging. And going through my interview transcripts is similarly hilarious. Life is so much better when you can re-live it through digital recordings! (Ugh.)

So basically, this is a post to say that I'm not going to write about it but I really want to write about it. It's also to serve as an explanation for my excessive stress and complete lack of a social life as of late. Cool, huh?

Also, I haven't had more than 4 glasses of wine or any other alcoholic beverages this entire month. Who wants to go out for drinks to celebrate my sobriety?