1. "I want a baby with a trach[eotomy]. You know, with a little hole in their throat? They are so cute. I want a sick baby to take care of. But only for a couple of weeks, like how we foster the sick kittens, and then give them back. . . I want to adopt because I don't want to get fat. . .For a while I wanted to have my own baby, but only so my boobs would get bigger. But I figure, why not just get implants?"
2. "I think we should all take a community college course on shadow puppets."
3. "Once, I thought I had rabies because I tried to feed a squirrel and it bit me."
"How did a squirrel bite you?!"
"Well, I was trying to feed it because I wanted it to climb onto my hand, but I didn't actually have any food."
4. "I'm gonna shove this down that slut's throat!" [holding a box of birth control]
5. "Wanna give me a sensual back massage? I'll give you fake nails in exchange."