Culture Shock is Jet Lag's Evil Cousin

After conducting a frigid midnight road-side panel phone interview in the mountains while standing beside a busy train track in Australia, I secured a new job working for a major corporation. While I have serious ethical dilemmas with my new position, there are also serious perks.

Like being put up in a suite at a rather prestigious hotel on Bloor Street. . .

. . .despite the fact that I live in downtown Toronto already.

The Four Seasons even has its own magazine.

Who am I to complain that I'm now a corporate whore?

The view from my hotel room.

My mom is also in the city visiting me right now. Yesterday we headed out to Centre Island where my suspicions about Lake Ontario being a cesspool were confirmed by the Beach Water Quality hotline.

"Latest E-Coli count?" Great.

What's the point in having a beach if you can't go swimming? And even if you can go swimming on days when the e-coli count is low enough, would you really want to go swimming in a massive lake that you can only swim in on certain days.

(Things I Hate About Ontario Case File #38)

We rented a two-seater bicycle of sorts, which was about as fun as paddle-boating. And we all know how much I love paddle boats. My mom made the day interesting though by referring to pirates on three seperate occassions, one of which is when we rode past a family on their quadracycle, and my mom yelled out to the little boys on it, "We're pirates!"

She also told a guy that she doesn't smoke because she's worried it will stunt her growth. My mom is 54.

We're definitely related.

After rushing home and showering, the girls and I headed over to Alice's for pre-drinks before the Uffie show at the Mod Club. Katrina was decked out, complete with requisite bling, booty shorts and fanny pack on her shoulder.

It was an interesting walk down to Alice and Adam's house, to say the least.

Meanwhile, New Roomate Karen was thrown offguard by my paparazzi-esque propensity to take photos.

The peons of the corporation I now work for showed me the latest marketing strategy that is a step-up from the cherry flavoured petroleum product- it involves a backpack with speakers on it.

Of course, I had to test out the latest hardware.

I'm really glad I'm not a peon anymore. On the other hand, I really don't care about all this technology. Who needs a backpack with speakers that you can attach your cell phone to, really? Is this really necessary?

Alice told me that she's improved her picture face in my absence. I'd have to agree.

It's everywhere.

Dell took part in my impromtu photoshoot.

And it was obvious Karen was warming up to my constant need to photo-document.

Dell, Karen, and Sasha in the way to the Mod Club.

Dell met this guy, who looked incrediably familiar. We placed his face right away, and I looked at my memory card on my camera to discover that he had been the same guy who had been dancing with Alice at mstrkrft at NXNE. "Is this you?" I asked him, thinking that as soon as he saw the picture of him and Alice together, he'd lay off hitting on Dell. "Yeah, that is me!" he said, and then wrapped his arms around Dell again.

My eyes were bloodshot because this was soon after the first time I cried in the night. On the official "Jess & Brie's Scale of Taquito Inebrieation*" I wouldn't have been willing to eat even one taquito. Nonetheless, I initially wasn't allowed into the bar (we're still not entirely sure why) and got into a fight with a bouncer, which led to me crying.

They eventually let me in, though.

And as always, we had a fantastic time. (I love this picture because everyone else at the bar just looks like static figures while we're having an awesome time.)

Jessex was there too, of course.

Alice giving me the, "Uh, Jess, why are we on stage again?" Look.

I lost Katrina (who was channeling Peaches) and Sasha early in the night. It turns out that they ended up partying with Uffie.

And while they were partying with Uffie, I was having the polar opposite experience. I was sitting in some little back room at the Mod Club with the manager and a paramedic, being yelled at, and accused of calling the cops. It's a long story and I'm still really upset about the whole incident and really appalled that there are such mean people in the world. I really had no idea.

After yelling at me for 10 minutes, for no valid reason, I was told that if I didn't leave the premises within 30 seconds, they would be getting the police (who they were convinced I called) to take me away for trespassing, or some other bullshit accusation.

What had been crying earlier turned into absolutely bawling, gasping sobs. I can't remember the last time I've ever been treated that atrociously.

Wandering down College Street by myself, I had everyone and their dog trying to console me. Meanwhile, I called everyone I knew, because I needed a friend.

Adam, Alice and Scott pulled up to get me in front of Sneak E. Dee's. "Blog!" they called out. "We've come to save you!"

Apparently as they were driving in the cab to get me, they had yelled out the window to people, "We're going to get the Blog! We've got to save the Blog!"

I was miserable at the time, but there was a certain hilarity when Adam started yelling out the window randomly, "Jessex, it's okay! We've got the Blog!"

Humourously enough, Adam's cell phone rang moments later. It was Jessex.

"Did you hear me?" Adam asked.

"Yah," I heard Jessex respond through the phone, "you've got the Blog!"

I cried too much last night. I think I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock.

But it's still good to be home, and know that I have friends who will come and rescue you from crying on the curb at any time of the night.

Thank you guys.

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*This measure of how drunk we are was developped after one night where we made an unfortunate trip to the Cold Lake 7-11 after the bar. 2 Taquitos=Really trashed. 1 Taquito=drunk, and not capable of making proper judgement calls.