Friday, May 26, 2006

Anger Management

This morning, I woke up angry.

My first instinct was to spill all my personal shit on the Internet in a full disclosure sort of rampage. But then I realized that wasn't a positive solution. I racked my mind for positive activities that would make me feel better, and came up with the most awesome solution.

First, I would write a blog post completely devoid of any sort of eloquent writing skillz and use phrases like "most awesome." Then, I would spell words in the given post with "z"s for emphasis of lack of writing skillz. And finally, I would write a list, because that's hands-down my favourite activity. And since my second favourite activity is talking about myself, I decided to combine the two concepts.

(I promise to sporadically add to the list over the next 4 hours, which is when I get to leave work. If you are also bored at work, I'm sure you'll enjoy this.)

Reasons Why I'm Awesome*

1. I invited my blogging friend to come and stay with me for a week in my house. We had only met once before.

2. On my first night in Toronto, I went out with strangers, then proceeded to break into a hotel swimming pool and take off all my clothes before jumping in.

3. I once instigated a late night skinny dipping session at Kinosoo Beach. With 6 guys. My clothing was later stolen and I had to walk down Lakeshore Drive completely naked.

4. I think spending $2.75 to take the TTC anywhere is way too expensive, but the other day I went to Pages and spent $80 on books.

5. I've been walking around the office all day, rolling up my pant leg and making my co-workers look at my bruises.

6. I plan on naming any future children after common household products via acronyms. For instance, Lloyd Yanni Steven Oliver Lockhart. LYSOL. I will then seek sponsorship for their existance.

(I'm now home from work, but I'm still incrediably upset and irritated. Therefore, the list will continue.)

7. I just found this business card for some guy in my wallet, that I must have acquired during the gong show of affairs on Wednesday night. I was going to throw it out, but opted to instead e-mail the guy. "Hi, who are you? And why is your business card in my wallet?" I figured it would give the guy a laugh. Either that, or offend him. Either way, this also makes me awesome.

8. Chloe found a coupon in her wallet, but she didn't know what it was good for. We decided that it must be good for something, so now I carry it everywhere with me, and try to use it at random intervals. So far, I have discovered it is not good for train tickets, drinks on trains, drinks at bars, and/or free piercings. But someday, somewhere, it must be good for something.

9. The other night, Mark saw this poster he really wanted, so I stole it for him. Oh, and did I mention we were at a Douglas Coupland reading for his new book, JPod? I'm such a badass- stealing a poster from a book signing!

Jack's awesome too.

*Much like the "Things I Hate List" there are rules in order here. First, I can't list any obvious reasons why I'm awesome. Like, for instance, "I'm really pretty," isn't on the list, because that's just obvious and we can all agree on that. That would be too easy.


  1. You are absolutely fantastic at making biscotti. Likely a good treat to bring on skinny dipping excursions. Granted those who stole your clothes hardly would deserve it.

  2. I think "making biscotti" fits on the "skills list." Then again, it is a reason why I'm awesome.

  3. after careful discussion. Sasha and I have determined that you are awesome because you can get away with saying things like " I'm really pretty, but that is obvious". In fact you can say practically anything without getting questioned on it. And that my friend, is awesome!

  4. Anonymous4:24 PM

    k this is a good one ready...
    You are so awsome because you make goals and stick to them no matter how rediculous they are.
    Seriously this is very special the majority of the population can't even stick to simple goals.

  5. Lol. I don't know if "dating only bearded men" is a "goal" persay. But yes, it does make me pretty awesome, I agree. We're also collectively awesome because we're all home right now, and could just discuss this verbally, but choose not to.

  6. you stole it from me??/ give it back; i want it!

  7. Happy belated birthday. Did you know that I am precisely three days older than you?

    On another note, "The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead" is an uncommonly beautiful song. You should pick up his newest album, as well.

    Goodbye again.

  8. I can't just say how awesome you are Jess.

    Oh and I own JPod. Didn't know that was the book from the book reading. How was it?

  9. Mark- Oops. Thanks for catching that typo.

    David Berry- That would explain your overwhelming elderly wisdom. Why don't you e-mail me anymore?

    Adam- Thanks for thinking I'm awesome. The reading was awesome. Coupland is a nerd. I liked it.