Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I'm boring.

I hate to whine,* but I feel completely unoriginal and uncreative this week and for some reason, I feel as though I should blog something amazing and hilarious and thought-provoking so that this phantom fan base I seem to think I have will be able to get through their day after having their fix of my blog, and won't have to succumb to the alluring powers of whatever drugs they would be addicted to if they didn't have my writing to read and my pictures to look at.

Instead I just feel like writing run-on sentences about nothing.


*Actually, that was a lie. The truth is, I love to whine. I'm really good at it too. In fact, I think I'm going to put that on my "skills card."**

** (Can I footnote a footnote? Well, I just did. Do you wanna fight about it?)

Skills Card:

Earlier this week, Ryan was complaining that he didn't know what to tell girls when they asked him to dance at the bar (you can read his blog to get the details). I suggested that he should itemize his skills (hardly a surprise, given my fondness for making lists) and whenever a girl approaches him he should say, "I can't dance, however, I do possess these other qualifications, skills and attributes that make up for the fact that I don't dance. " (The principle of this is the same as your classic grade 10 social studies argumentative essay: start out with a con, and then follow it with an overwhelming amount of pros that outweigh the con.)

Ryan, however, decided to take this idea one step further, and is in the process of creating a wallet-sized card that he can hand to girls when they ask him to dance. Brilliant, no?

Anyways, he thinks I should also compile a list of skills for my own card to keep in my wallet. I was going to, until I ran into a major problem: in what situation would I possibly need to pull out my skills card?

I mean, in Ryan's case, he has to use the skills card to compensate for the fact that he's a terrible dancer. However, I'm awesome at pretty much everything, so what opportunity would I ever have to use the list? And with a card like that in your wallet, I'd be looking for excuses to show it off (or, more specifically, show off my personal skills, qualifications and attributes.) I suppose I could just randomly pull out the skills card for no reason whatsoever, but then it would just seem like I was bragging.


  1. WoW, whatta great blog :)

  2. Anonymous2:17 AM

    Non skills:
    Cooking, Golfing, sports in general, rollerblading, drunk typing, driving, and playing cool when you are smashed. I thought I might get you started.

  3. Anonymous10:13 AM

    I'd totally buy a guy a drink for pulln' out a skills card! That's hilarious!

    Jess - on second thought, maybe you should leave the skills card for those less fortunate than yourself. . . or better yet, pull one out when guys like Rob approach you to scare them away!

    We will test it in Alberta!!! 15 days!!!
    The countdown commences . . .

  4. "Thanks for the ride home, Mr. Cabby. As it turns out, I don't have any money for the cab fare, but as you can see from my skills and attributes card, I am an excellent juggler! It would seem to me that a 10 minute juggling exhibit should more than compensate for the ride across town, dontcha think?"

  5. Mike: At least when I'm drunk, I can still win at darts.

    Rev: For this reason alone, I'm going to make a skills card. Every cab driver from here on out is being treated to some highland dancing or other skill. My only worry is that they'll look at my skills card and discover I'm fantastic at spooning and want to do that with me instead.

  6. clearly this skills card is to brag about my indredible skills. dancing has never really stopped me from getting what i want. its more of just an excuse to show off and not have to dance. and to get a good laugh out of a girl.

    who the fuck pulls out a skills card?

    this guy!

  7. I suggest you jump on top of that and get yourself a patent Jess. I've a couple of ideas now that I've told one too many people about and wouldn't doubt it if somebody stole my idea and got themselves a patent for my brilliance... Could you imagine being granted a patent for skills cards?