Monday, March 06, 2006

rural mythology destroyed

It's confirmed! Brie and I are embarking on Alberta Roadtrip 2006 (which is just the working title for the trip, I'm sure we'll come up with something incrediably clever and loaded with sexual innuendos later, but for now "Alberta Roadtrip 2006" is merely functional).

Here is our tenative itinerary thus far:

1) Thursday, April 27th- Fly in to Calgary. We'll feel like grown-ups for roughly 2 minutes when we get the keys to our rental car and throw our bags in the trunk. However, I'm sure once we start sucking away on juiceboxes and singing along with The Magic Numbers that grown-up feeling will be greatly relinquished.

2) Daytrip to Banff. We will go to the hot springs, and Brie will wear her new American Apparel bathsuit. I will wear nothing. We will then smell like sulfur. (Yes, the way we will smell is part of the official schedule. You wanna fight about it?)

3) Drumheller/The Badlands. Dinosaurs don't need to be justified any further.

4) April 29th- Edmonton. We will stay with Mike, go to the mall (because that's what you do in Edmonton) and likely consume beer at the Garneau Pub.

May 2nd- Katherine's birthday celebration at Ezzie's. Brie will learn my most shameful secret; I'm a terrible two-stepper. Chloe and I will likely set something on fire.

5) May 3rd- Hungover in Camrose. Visiting my Grandma on the farm. I will make Brie listen to the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band the entire way there.

6) Cold Lake- The entire smalltown mythology that I've built for Brie over the past year and a half will suddenly come crashing down.

For example:

"Jess, I thought you said your high school had no windows. That thing has at least TWO windows!"

"I thought you said the drinks here were like $2.00? They're $2.50, you liar!"

"I thought you said all the girls in Alberta were pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen? Well, that chick is definitely wearing sandals!"

"Um, no offense Jessica, but I thought you said you were popular in Alberta."

I will feed her some more $2.50 highballs at the bar, and she won't know the difference.

7) Daytrip to Pierceland, Saskatchewan, to go to McLellan's General Store. We'll probably buy some bridles and horse whips. Not for our horses, but for our own personal stables. By this time, Brie will be an awesome two-stepper and know all the words to the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band songs. In otherwords, she'll be a better Albertan than me.

[Edit: As of Tuesday night our airline tickets are confirmed. And another surprise--Court is coming too!]

And then back to Edmonton (#4) on May 7th, to fly back to Toronto.

Any road trip CD suggestions?


  1. bryan adams is a personal favorite roat trip cd of mine. who doesn't know all the words to bryan adams. i like the choice of nitty gritty dirt band. fishin' in the dark is one of the greatest country songs ever made. next to cadillac ranch.

    you and me go fishin in the dark,
    lying on our backs as we count the stars.


  2. Last year, my roomate Courtney has this drunk guy over, and he was downloading music on her computer. Anyways, the next morning she comes into my room, really confused, and she's like, "Jess, I need you to come here!"
    And she puts this song on, and it's "fishin' in the dark" and I start singing along. And Court looks at my in absolute disbelief. "You know this song?"
    "Uh, yah. Obviously."
    "I've NEVER heard this before," said Court. "So, is this 'Nitty Gritty Dirt Band,' really a real band?" she finished.

    It was one of the funniest things you could ever say to an Albertan.

  3. You absolutely have to add Dumas Walker to the mix to compliment both Fishin' in the Dark and Cadillac Ranch. And, I'm tellin' ya, their "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" album is a bluegrass masterpiece!

    That seems like a helluva road trip, but I'm most curious about the timespan between March 29th and May 2nd. I mean, there's a whole month there that's gone missing! Are you planning on drinking enough at the Garneau Pub that you pass out for the entire month of April? A hops-induced hibernation? If that's the case, then I salute you!

    I've got a playlist of driving songs around here somewhere for just such an occasion. Let me poke around and see if I can dig it up.

  4. how about call it "Brie and Jess fucking Albert A."

  5. Rev's Picks:
    Lord Mr. Ford -- Jerry Reed
    I've Been Everywhere -- Johnny Cash
    On the Road Again -- Willie Nelson
    Truckin' -- Grateful Dead
    Hiway 49 -- Howlin' Wolf
    Highway 61 -- Bob Dylan
    Six Days on the Road -- Taj Mahal
    Gonna Move -- Paul Pena

    (Note: This is but a small sampling of Rev's Driving Playlist. I have edited out a ton of Trucker songs and other assorted oddities.)

  6. Anonymous2:46 PM

    gogol bordello...though you might dance your way off the road.
    p.s. thanks for making us albertans sound severely retarded.

  7. Rev- You know how I feel about Johnny Cash! (Haha, just joking. Thanks for the recommendations).

    Anon- See title of this post: "rural mythology destroyed." We all know from reading my blog that Albertan references are very tongue in cheek. The fact of the matter is I create the same mythologies about Southern Ontario when I'm in Alberta. Life is more fun at extremes.

  8. I am hurt. You planned a trip home and didn't tell me. Tear.

  9. >> You know how I feel about Johnny Cash!

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know that I know how very very wrong you are! You could always substitute the original Hank Snow version of the song if the Man in Black is too much to handle.

  10. Anonymous3:48 PM

    I am most excited to see the dinosaurs! Im such a geek like that . . . .and now I have to buy that American Apperal bikini cuz you blogged it Jess. (yes!)

    Calvin - since Court is coming now too, we should change it to Brie, Jess & Court do Albert, or Brie, Jess & Court Tag Team Alberta - yeah, that's hot.

    PS - Jess: Im holding you to those $2.50 highballs at the bar, and I don't doubt you're pops.