Sunday, January 15, 2006

I have high standards.

Follow-up to the Craig's List Posting:

Initially, I was going to post all the photos of beards that guys sent me via e-mail on the blog, with the purpose of discussing their facial hair at length, and perhaps offering the opportunity for a group critique.

However, for some reason, I can't lower myself to that level. Instead, I've decided to post some of the replies I've received, along with explainations for why I ignored their messages. Since I received over 50 replies to my posting, I've selected the funniest and oddest ones, and will be providing them over the rest of the week as a series.

(And if you're wondering, yes, I did respond to one message I got. I just can't resist the beards.)


"Not sure if my “beard” is what you’re looking for.. I don’t have it as a full fledged beard, since it doesn’t go too well with the shaved head if I’ve got the shagadellic-ness you seem to want. I definitely have the ability to grow full-fledged though. Back in university it was about 5 inches of shag. . ."

This was the first reply I received. I was blown away by the writer's detailed description of his beard. However, I didn't respond to this message because he used the phrase "shagadellic". (There is a reason for the title of this post.)

"hi i saw your add in craglist
your profile is nice and intresting like to here from you

"hi hi.....can i have your number...i am 25 asian.."

My favourite thing about these e-mails was the obvious nature of the fact that they hadn't actually read my posting, and just has a form message to send out to girls that post on Craig's list. I got a ton of messages like this. The reason I didn't reply is obvious.

"Should I also chop down trees, wear high heels, suspenders and a bra? Put on some women's clothing, just like my dearpapa? =)"

Uhhhhh. . .The weird thing is, this was the entire message. It hasn't been altered in any way.

[Edit: Yes, I know now that this is a Monty Python reference. However, I would just like to clarify that despite my love of the Flying Circus I NEVER get pop culture references regardless of their source.]

"I'm not sending you a picture since I don't want you to only like me for my good looks or my beard. But, if you want to tell me more about yourself then I might respond to you.

But, my dream in life is to become wealthy so I can grow a dirty beard like Ryan Dunn

But, as I am a lawyer, it's difficult to go to court and argue with that beard. I wish though...

I do have one though."

I appreciate the fact that this guy used his e-mail as an opportunity to 1) express his desire to be wealthy 2) point out that he's a lawyer (is this supposed to be a selling point?) and 3) is apparently ridiculously good looking to the point where it could possibly overshadow his brilliant personality. Right.

And now, I present you with the worst reply I recieved:

"I was browsin thru diff postings and urs caught my spl attn....A beard as a selection criteria is somethin really new to is somethin i hav never heard of but at the same time i am happy to bump across such posting.....ya, u hav guessed it a guy with a full fledged beard......i always thot beard is a big turn off for women but i guess not in ur case :) so this has motivated me to write this mail.....i dunno how often u chk ur am not sure when i wud get a reply to this mail but i will be eagerly awaiting one every rgrds pic... i prefer to start with some chattin on msn or yahoo ( i hav my pics thr) my id's are.... "


  1. I just don't know what to say.

  2. you should have high standards. your a good looking girl. never settle for just any beard. would you consider shitbeards. you know the ones that grow sparcely. I grow a pretty mean beard but its blonde. what are your thoughts on blonde beards?

    Some specifics on beard attributes would help narrow down the field. Either that or you could just use your charm and fiery red hair to get any guy you want.

  3. Ryan,
    That's sweet and all, but as history has demonstrated, guys aren't particularly taken by me. I suspect is has something to do with the fact that when I get drunk, I do things like almost eat pizza that I've dropped on the sidewalk.

    I'm not discriminating against the style or colour of beards. Feel free to send me an e-mail and we'll talk about it.

  4. that is hilarious

  5. Anonymous11:28 PM

    "Should I also chop down trees, wear high heels, suspenders and a bra? Put on some women's clothing, just like my dearpapa? =)"

    Monty Python reference.

  6. Yes, I know, I know.
    I am ridiculous and really bad at pop-culture references.