Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Beard-ar Confession

I have a confession to make. I've begun mentally categorizing men I see according to their facial hair status. And not only do I slot them into little categories, but I've begun a running commentary in my head to accompany the classifications.

"Hey there. Looking pretty good! Come back to me in, oh, about 4 days or so, and I think you'll be good to go."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"Listen buddy, that's a very nice soul patch, and I'm tempted to jump you, but I'm looking for beards here. I'm really sorry about that."

"Maybe with a little trimming."

Walking through the halls at school has just become considerable more interesting.


More Craig's List replies:

1) "On 1/11/06, GFCI Toronto > wrote:
Why the beard obsession? I'm curious. And, yes, I have a full beard. I'm 26 years old. In downtown Toronto. I'd love to hear from you. "

2) "Hey, I haven't heard back. My beard just keeps growing the longer I wait. Seriously."

I actually really appreciate that this guy e-mailed me not once, but twice, to update me on the status of his beard. That's classy.

"Hi,I saw your ad on craigslist.A little about myself ..
- 5'7', 150lbs, brown.
- Working Professional
- Just shaved but give it a few hrs and you'll see something.
- Used axe bodywash / body spray once and it didn't work (damn ads)
Would want to see you in person (no pics) once you are comfortable. Never gone on a date by looking at a pic or sharing my pics.

The line about the Axe body spray made me laugh, but there was one main reason I couldn't reply to this e-mail; I couldn't envision myself screaming, "Oh, Boots!" while I was in bed. Seriously, what self-respecting man with a beard calls himself Boots?

"what a curious ad to have found on craigslist! Hahahahhaaaaaa......i have that beard you so desire, and i even wear flannel shirts to boot! How lucky thou art. But, what is it you seek fair soul? You were less than clear on that one i'm afraid. Let me know what's up and i'll send you some pics.

cheers, will"

This guy on the other hand, had a completely acceptable name. However, I suspect that when he uses the name Will, he actually secretly believes he is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare. The usage of "thou" was inappropriate and uncalled for.

"I live in Brampton and currently looking for a new job. I am a professional engineer and will get a job in the next couple of weeks. I do not have a current picture with beard, but will send one soon. "

Aw, that's sweet! He's making sure I know that he can bring home the bacon!

"Heya sexy, how ya doing?? :-) I'm 6'4" tall, weigh 190 lbs, short brownish hair (turns reddish in the summer, VERY dark brown eyes (almost black), and I've got one more measurement, curious?? ;-)"

I shuddered when I got this e-mail. I'm actually not curious about his other measurement at all. On top of that, isn't he being rather presumptious in assuming a girl who likes bearded men must be sexy?


  1. Anonymous12:07 AM

    Jess, this comment is unrelated to beards....but I just wanted to tell you that I called my mom and she has no idea what that psychology term is either. But this milk in plastic bags thing is all over the place.

  2. Mon,
    We should begin to write a list together called "weird things about Toronto." I think you should write down everything you notice now, and then we'll re-convene and blog about it. Maybe we'll even take pictures.

  3. You can buy milk in jugs from Macs, Monique. Cheapest way to get milk.

    I like the running commentary on the beard status. But for me, I can't stand not shaving... Drives me nuts. Oh and I'll post all the pics and stuff later from the kegger and The Pedestrian show.

    Its late and Im gonna to try some sleep again. G'night.

  4. On the milk bags:
    In Alberta, drinking milk from bags is something only old people do. I think. I don't even know if you can get milk in bags from grocery stores anymore. . .

  5. Yeah, the only place I have ever seen milk in bags was at my Grandmas house. I therefore thought this was something only my grandma had, you know, like canned crab apples. Anyways, I am enjoying the fact that it seems to be an epidemic in Ontario. Although Macs always remains the same, gotta love Macs.

  6. That bit from your last "Craig's Update" about "suspenders and a bra and women's clothing" is from Monty Python's Flying Circus. You're a Canadian with a beard and flannel fettish -- I would have thought the Lumberjack Song was an understood prerequisite.

    The Lumberjack Song MP3 by Monty Python (500KB Download)

    Seeing the skit on the Flying Circus is funnier, but you'll get the idea from the mp3.

  7. Ugh, I never get pop culture references. Ever. You know people who quote the Simpsons or Dave Chappelle incessantly? I am always really confused and ask what they are talking about.

    The funny thing is, I'm a huge Monty Python fan. In high school drama class I used to perform skits from the Flying Circus. One of my favourites is the parrot sketch. So I feel a little bit shameful right now.

  8. "Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it? Beautiful plumage!"