Friday, December 30, 2005

Resolute the New Year.

This New Year's, I'm encouraging you all to come up with the most absurd resolution possible, and carry through on it.

I'm not talking self-improvement here- after all, if you're anything like me, you don't need to lose weight, are already spectacularly good looking, and probably smoke/drink an adequate amount (I expect nothing less of my friends and readers). And I'm not talking world-improvement here- we've got Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to take care of that for us. What I'm talking about is a completely useless goal, with no other concrete purpose than to at the very least to amuse you.

My personal resolution for 2006 is to only date guys with beards. And I'm not talking soul patches, or goatees, or chin straps here. I'm talking BEARDS. Beards that will cause my chin to break out in a perpetual rash. Man beards. Full-on heterosexual-I-chop-down-trees-in-my-spare-time-and-wear-flannel-while-smoking-pipes kind of beards.


  1. My resolution, to grow a beard, wear flannel and chop down a few trees.

    Wonder what my girlfriend would say?

    I'll come up with a good one later. Right now Im at my girlfriend's haunted place in London. Wee bit freaked out at the moment.

  2. I resolve to wear spandex on my birthday.

  3. I will also date men with beards. But you know this because we discussed it. I'm going through an intense heterosexual phase. That is not to say that I was or have ever been non-heterosexual, but I mean the guys I will henceforth date. I'm though with ambiguous sexuality.

  4. I'm only going to date women with beards this year! That's right! I'm going to roam the countryside and search every circus freakshow I find until I locate that special gal! What an adventure that will be! Thanks for the suggestion, Jess! Happy New Year!

  5. lol at this post.
    when are you going to ottawa?
    i am going to toronto in the 7th of jan.

  6. no more masturbating with juniper breeze

  7. As usual, I don't really understand you. And as usual, for some unknown reason, I think you're fucking hilarious anyway.

  8. dear jessica,
    as a young child, my dad had one of these so called "i'm a man-chop down some tree's-wear flannel man beards"...

    he also worked in forestry.

  9. Anonymous1:24 PM

    i resolve to replace all my wood furniture with furniture made from fedex boxes. and then upholster them with trash bags and packing peanuts

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  11. I don't resolve to grow a beard cuz lets face it there fucking itchy. However, i do resolve to send Scarlett Johansson a letter every month with reasons why im better than Bill Murray.

    First reason, he was in Groundhog Day.

  12. That movie ruled Ryan! You dick! And beard's aren't that itchy, once you get past that stage.