Does this mean I have to stop shaving?

I’m not going go to lie. I’ve spent the last two years of my life feebly attempting to become a cult icon. At one point, I even thought I’d settle for becoming a Canadian cult campus sensation (that’s right, I just used the word “sensation” in reference to myself in full sincerity. Do you wanna fight about it, bitch?) but it never quite worked out. Maybe it was re-location, maybe it was the death of "i enjoy being a slut," but most likely, it was because I don't have a weird haircut.

Recently though, I've reassessed my goals and determined that becoming a cult icon is out of the question at this point in time, and that becoming a scenester is a more attainable goal.

Based upon what I refer to as the “New York Narcissism” version of scenesters (as predominately featured on Last Night’s Party) I’ve evaluated all the following factors responsible for creating instant nightlife hipness and popularity:

You must 1) be a socialite. This means that when there’s a party to be had, staying at home, eating a chocolate cake out of the pan while cuddling with your overweight cat is not an option, even if it seems more appealing. You could be dying of syphilis, but if there is a social function, you must be there, and you must talk up your syphilis as though it’s the hottest shit going on. Actually, your syphilis infection might tie in nicely to having a

2) sardonic sense of humour. Therefore, while it’s okay to find Dave Chapelle funny, you must also find dead kittens wearing sailor suits hilarious. A self-deprecating sense of humour is also appreciated, but a little harder to pull off because the most important quality of being a scenester is

3) narcissism. Some may argue that narcissism falls under the whole “confidence is sexy” adage, but this is beyond that. You must be cocky to the point where psychiatrics would diagnosis you with having a condition worthy of the DSM. However, this full-on schizophrenic arrogance seems somewhat unwarranted, since scenesters generally have a

4) complete lack of ambition, that allows them to go out and party every night. They may have obscure goals (eg- "I plan to be the first woman to DJ from a hot air balloon while naked") but never anything concrete (and heaven forbid, typical!), like say, trying to become a nurse. Therefore, most of the arrogance comes from that fact that the majority of scenesters are ridiculously

5) attractive. The only condition under which you are allowed to be unattractive is if you are fucking hilarious (guys only) or a fucking hilarious lesbian (girls only). Scenesters are also usually

6) single, which is partially a product of the aforementioned cockiness. Nobody is good enough for them. (Hmmm, sound like anyone we know?) Finally, you have to have an

7) unusual haircut and/or greasy hair.

After examining the criteria, it's evident to me that as soon as I stop showering, I'll be good to go. Of course, I'm well aware of the fact that I would be rejected by the current group of scenesters milling about Toronto.

Therefore, I don't see why it isn't completely impausible that I create my own group of scenesters. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm already a scenester.

It's just that everybody else doesn't know it yet.