Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Forgotten Flirting Tactics

Whatever happened to batting your eyelashes? I remember being eight and conjuring up all my feminine wiles in order to practice this maneuver, eager for the day when I could put it into use. I envisioned myself fluttering them coquettishly, emanating Miss Piggy, and having men unable to resist my obvious charms and falling at my feet.

“What’s wrong? Do you have something in your eye?”

Imagine my dismay when I discovered that the eyelash flutter is, generally speaking, restricted to the domain of thick-lashed, two-dimensional television characters.

However, I have recently developed faith that little girls everywhere will be able to use the tactics they practice in between hop-scotch and jump-rope. But we have to pave the way for them. There’s still hope that it can be done- Chloe has been known to flutter her eyelashes with great frequency in the most natural manner possible. (But then again, it must be noted that Chloe is also susceptible to pursing her lips in a style that Mary-Kate Olsen patented.)

Similarly, what about winking? It’s subtle, eloquent, and when done correctly, a lot more effective than walking up to a girl and attempting to start a conversation by saying, “Why aren’t you smiling? You look tired/bored.”* Furthermore, the only guys who have winked at me in recent history have had to interrupt agitated conversations with invisible company in order to do so. I'm pretty sure that I will melt at the feet of the next guy who genuinely winks with me in an effort to flirt, just so long as he appears mentally stable.

These are the forgotten flirting tactics.

First there was MakeOut Campaign 2004. Then there was Reformation 2005. I’m hereby declaring 2006 the Year of the Forgotten Flirting Tactics.

"No, I don't have something in my eye. I'm distinctly being sexy right now."

* This is a pet peeve of mine. NEVER EVER say this to a girl. I guarantee that it drives 99% of females crazy. It’s offensive. Just because a girl is not exposing her thong from the top of a bar while pouring cold water over her white t-shirt doesn’t mean that she is bored or tired. Thanks for coming out, though.


  1. Jess,
    Winking works. I swear to God. My friend has this wink that she does while smiling provocatively and has subsequently gotten her several stalkers.

    Be careful with that thing.

  2. I find the harder I try to be sexy, sadly the worse I come across to the opposite sex. Are they so blind as to not see how sexy the mirror face is?! You know the one. And so blind as to say that I am sexy at school, to sum it up at school, I try on my best collection of shoulda never bought that item. I find it a trend for guys from the strangest social setting to call me sexy, so why do you even bother with things such a eyelash fluttering, when gym sweating and taking class cat naps anre Clearly more attractive?

  3. Anonymous9:09 PM

    Being a guy, and a dumb and hopeless one at that, I've actually used that line. Once. It fell totally flat. I learned the hard way, and will never ever try it again. Ever.