China's Circa 1995 Party*

Due to the fact I'm beyond exhausted, I have nominated two co-authours for the night: my friend Mr. Gianni Estrada Valentino III Esquire DDS and Edna.

The night began in the most unpredictable fashion- a colouring contest.

Hello, 1995!

Our competitors:

Brandon- pure colouring cockiness.

GEV: I wanted Brandon to win.

Edna: You're not my best friend anymore Gianni Estrada Valentino, you've been taken off the list.


Brie-the face of a fierce colouring champion.

GEV: You mean like a Christmas card list? Because I'd be crushed if I was taken off your Christmas card list!

Edna: I guess you'll just have to wait and see.



GEV: I thought we already covered that one.

Edna: This is only going to be funny to us. [laughing hysterically]. Everybody's going to be like, "What the fuck? What are these captions?"


Edna: Is that when he bit me?! There was violence.

GEV: I was impressed by the amount of heart he showed, that was dedication.

Edna: It hurt! There's a mark on my finger. There's an extra dent that wasn't there before.

GEV: Seriously, where is my cookbook? Is Monique online right now, I want you to find out stat!


Fast forward to roughly two hours later (and by two hours, I mean two hours. . .the contest took longer than anticipated) and Brandon took control of the situation by ripping up Brie's picture, chewing on it, and proceeding to spit it into the sink.

Edna: What a jerk! That was a winning fucking colouring contest! And he shoves it in his mouth!

GEV: I liked how he spit it in the sink.


My dear friend Gianna Estrada Valentino is visiting me from Alberta.

GEV: Good for me.

Edna: Was that when I hated Mike? Or was then when I was going to keep him?

GEV: I think you liked me before the colouring contest.

Edna: You were being such a jerk. You were interefering with the colouring contest.

GEV: I was support. I was building character.


Edna: Jess and Brie are so hot because they are the only ones who dressed up. Even if we're dorky, we're sexy dorky. Like hot, sexy geeks.


GEV: Who's Canice? Does Canice read your website? I'm never going to see her again.

Edna: Don't be mean!

GEV: I'm not going to say anything bad.


Edna: That's so not cool. [referring to Paul's hand thing that is going on]

GEV: No comment. [falling over on the floor] This is just one of those things I have to keep to myself. But don't write that Jessica. People are going to think, "If Gianni Estrada Valentino ever comes back, I'm going to stab him!"

Edna: In the eye!


Edna: Courtney and Bud. We had a cat named Budweiser. We called her Buddy.

GEV: Great!

Edna: Jess, your bed is more comfortable than mine.

GEV: I like people who are eye level with me. I like her because she's tall. You can trust short people.


GEV: Who's Andy?

Edna: [hysterically laughing] I don't think he likes me.

GEV: Oh yah! I remember that guy! He reminds me of Derrick Martineau.


GEV: It doesn't really have a lot of character to it, that picture.

Edna: That's too bad.


GEV: I'm going to let you in a little secret. She's really, really short.

Edna: She's shorter in real life.

GEV: I didn't know they made people that short in real life.

Edna: Oh no! You didn't say that!

GEV: Jessica, I still have to be here for a few days.

Edna: The first half of the night gets two thumbs up!

GEV: My favourite part was "To the dance cave!" I was proud that I drank 9 beer before we left. I didn't know I had it in me.

Today, GEV took me to the CN tower because I've never been before, and because it's the typical touristy Toronto thing to do.

GEV: I was pretty fucking scared. And I'm the toughest thing going. It was all a joke. I was joking the whole time. I wanted to make Jessica feel better about almost getting blown off.


GEV: Was that before or after you almost got blown off? Friggin Mission Impossible right against the side of the tower because she thought she was going to fall off!


GEV: I think the happiest part of my trip so far was taking a pee at the top of the CN tower.

Edna: At the top? Or off the side?

GEV: You could get could distance! And how come it never occurred to me not to spit off the side?

After I nearly puked sitting on top of the glass floor, Gianna Estrada Valentino and I went downstairs and to the arcade. Let it be noted here that I won at Cruisin' USA. That's right- I beat Mike!

GEV: You're not going to tell people about that are you? That's embarassing. Let me tell you, it wasn't a very proud moment.



GEV: We were walking and Jessica kept touching me. And I was like, "Jessica, we're in the middle fo the street! Stop trying to have sex with me!" Then we stopped by a variety store and bought some clown shoes and magic tricks...I don't think this has anything to do with the picture anymore.
New York is a hell of a town.


GEV: Do you think I could get one?


Edna: Ambulances don't stop for red lights! Did you guys ever play that game? You try to feel somebody up! Isn't that funny. It was funny in grade eight! I feel nauseous.

GEV: Do you want some Pepto?


*GEV: Jessica, I think you need to put some explosions into that title. Or theme music. Or something.