Thursday, October 20, 2005

Blue Collar Sex Fantasies

My sexual psychology class has actually become the portion of the week that I dread. Just when I think I'm content with going to sleep in my own bed, by myself, every single night for the past couple of years (okay, well, almost every single night for the past couple of years, but who's keeping track, really?) I hit Chapter 9: Techniques of Arousal and Communication. I don't think I need to elaborate upon why this is a problem.

Earlier this month, I came to the conclusion that the only solution to my problem is developing a relationship with a convict who is currently incarcerated at a nearby institution. I mean, think about it- it's the perfect relationship; no major commitments, I love to write, I love to read and let's not forget the biggest benefit of the theoretical prison relationship- conjucal visits!

However, after a quick search of the Internet, I realized I have no clue on how to go about forming a relationship with a prison convict. But I knew I had stumbled upon something even bigger- something that I like to call "blue collar sex fantasies."

Why should conjucal visits be limited to trailers within prison walls? Why can't these situations include ordinary law-abiding* citizens such as you and me**? Why is it that all these ridiculously cliched role-playing stereotypes must be shoved down our throats (sometimes literally) when it is possible to come up with much more inventive fantasies? Raise your hand if you're sick of playing doctor? Or schoolgirl? Or cowboy? Or French maid?

Okay, so obviously none of you are raising your hands right now, but this is beyond the point.

A couple of weeks ago, Brie and I sat and brainstormed atypical sexual fantasies that could quite easily be performed with two consenting adults in a caring relationship. So, I present to you, the condensed list of blue-collar fantasies:

The Homeless Man Fantasy- In which you meet a guy on the street, take him home and clean him up, and one thing leads to another. . .

The Children's Fort Fantasy- Who didn't love building forts as a kid? Don't you long with the times that you'd build a fort in the living room out of chairs and blankets and couch cushions and put a flashlight in the middle of it all? Okay, now take that feel-good memory and add sex.

The Hassel Free Clinic Fantasy- "What? You're clean? I am too!" Need I say more?

The White Fang Fantasy- This is similar to a Jane-Tarzan fantasy, although much more primal in nature. It involves a boy raised by wolves. Just because wolves are sexier than apes. And I would assume more aggressive.

Again, this is the condensed list. I just thought I'd share some of my favourites.

Feel free to contribute your own blue-collar sex fantasies to the database.

And if not, can someone please tell me how I can get a pen-pal in prison?

*Well, law-abiding with the exception of road pops, that one nasty speeding ticket I got, being drunk in public places, urinating in public, and the time that Chloe and I nearly got ticketed for pandhandling inappropriatly during the Mobile Kissing Booth incident.

**And by you and me, I mean you and whoever you are with. Because as I have quite redundantly stated, I'm not with anyone. Except my boyfriend, the wheatbag.


  1. Just a condensed list?

    More, I say! Nice one.

  2. Nice. I would suggest some plumbers, gardeners and pizza hut cuties. =)

  3. Anonymous7:07 PM

    These pictures were funny. How I ended up on here looking at them? no idea. but anyway...yah

  4. Anonymous7:09 PM

    oh by the way, I almost forgot.....where did the chubby girl in the Rainbow Brite outfit get that coffe mug. It is to die for ( toodles )