A Rant for the Elitist Masses

That’s right. You. You, as in, the collective sphere of elitists who are invariably reading this. An oxymoron, you think? Well, of course that is what you would think. You would challenge my argument simply by the title, without reading the reasoning. And that is the point alone.

Do you see my point already?

No, of course you don’t, because you are conditioned to disagree with everything. You are conditioned to hate everything, because each and every one of you is a unique fucking snowflake who acts as a collective blizzarding mass.

It’s more of a liability for me to admit that I like Jack Johnson (which I do) than, let’s say, Craig David (which I do). Why? Well, Craig David is blatantly uncool*, which instantly renders him likeable. My love of Craig David could be reduced to a quirky penchant for catchy pop dance songs that contain such lyrics as, “I’m not a man to play around, oooh baby.” Whereas, Jack Johnson is on the verge of being cool. As in he was, let’s say, two years ago. And now that his music appeals to the mass audiences, he is rendered instantly unlikable.

I was telling a story the other night about an interaction I had at the Jack Johnson concert when a new male acquaintance interjected snottily, “Well, that explains it.”

I stopped my story, “What?”
“Well, you were at a Jack Johnson show. It explains a lot.”
“I like Jack Johnson.”
“I’m not a fan. The song they play on the radio is annoying. He has no musical credibility.”

We have an interesting example here, because the male in question:

1) obviously hasn’t listened to any of Jack Johnson’s music apart from a radio single (although, I must note, I agree the latest album kind of sucks)

2) has based his opinion solely on one song

3) has probably chosen to side with this opinion because liking Jack Johnson right now is decidedly uncool

4) yet, the male in question readily admits he listens to mainstream radio.

My response? “I don’t listen to the radio.” (And to clarify, I don’t listen to the radio because I own a large CD collection and no radio, not because I’m on the current neo-luddite “I hate everything that involves technology, but everyday I go home and talk through the mask of msn” trend that is growing in popularity right now.)

Oh, but oh- don’t fool yourself into thinking this only applies to music. This applies to theologies, politics, ideologies, nonsensical conversations about inanimate objects. Tonight I was informed by my roommates that bananas are “in”. However, if you dare discuss that particular fruit two months from now, prepare yourself for the ramifications! No, two months from now teapots will be the hot shit.

“That shit is teapot.”

Wait, now I’m infringing upon Mark’s territory.

I can reference albatrosses at length at social gatherings, only because the subject will never be cool, and is therefore at the height of coolness. Who would’ve thought I’d be so hip, so edgy?

Another example: Vice magazine. Why do people suddenly hate Vice magazine? Well, it’s so hip that it makes fun of its readership’s alleged coolness, rendering it incredibly unhip. (Vice is instantly cool for this reason, since they hate everything. And hating stuff is cool. But since they acknowledge that they hate everything, does this make them uncool? I’m not sure. It might change next week.)

Some things are popular for a reason. Shaving/grooming your genitals is popular for one very distinct reason, which I don't think needs to be elaborated upon here.

The only thing that is popular right now is hating things (even if that thing is pubic hair). You’re only cool if you hate everything. Remember that stoner kid from high school wearing the Marilyn Manson t-shirt and playing Dungeons and Dragons all day, and working on his ‘stache? Well, he’s the coolest thing around because not only does he hate everything, but he also doesn’t give a shit. He wins by default. He’s so inherently uncool, that he’s cool again. But the moment that it’s acknowledged that he’s ridiculously cool, his cool credibility is instantly lost.

We live in a society that values originality. We live in a society that values impossibility. Originality is impossible. As soon as one person decides something is cool, others will follow. And as soon as a second person jumps on the bandwagon, that cool thing is immediately uncool.

After examining all of this, weighing the evidence and still disagreeing with me, I have one final question for you:

How else can you explain last year’s trucker hats?

I am not a vegetarian. I shop at Goodwill because I’m poor, not because it’s trendy. I believe that owning music for posterity reasons is important and brings lasting happiness. I don’t know how to use a Mac computer. I like pirates and parrots (but right now, mainly parrots). I haven’t quite jumped on the robot or ninja bandwagon (which are both very cool right now) but I’m working on it. Instead, I think about elephants a lot. I never liked boy bands, even when I was in grade eight and all my girlfriends fantasized about Nick and Howie and Brian at sleepovers. I buy chai tea in concentrate and drink it with cold milk. I don’t have any hearts or frogs tattooed on my body, although I will admit to a small black star on my hip. I regularly dance around my room in my skivvies. I know how to play ‘Magic: The Gathering’ but I have never smoked pot. I was straight edge but never drew thick black lines across my hands. I keep a blog, even though I have been told that blogs (with the exception of the politically orientated ones) are a truly narcissistic act and worthless. The only three things in life I excel at (in no particular order) are: jigsaw puzzles, hula-hooping, and Scrabble. I’m moderately okay at cribbage and sometimes writing.

I don’t hate many things.

I’m exhausted, I’m tired. I’m tired of defending my ideas, my beliefs, my music, my friends, just because they/it/she isn’t cool enough. I want to listen to Jack Johnson and drink tea and play Scrabble in bed. I want to wear slippers knit by church ladies, and lie around in my underwear all day and cuddle.

Because cuddling never goes out of style.**


*My usage of the adjective “cool” is decidedly uncool at this point in time. Awesome is a better adjective at our current place in history, which is exactly why I chose to use the word “cool” throughout this rant. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to use the word “sweet.”

**However, in the previous two years, cuddling did become abnormally popular. This trend was marked by the creation of New York cuddling parties. Sad, but true fact. The elitists even claimed cuddling as their own for a brief time. Also, I’ve noticed a surplus of “I love spooning” t-shirts as of late. What will the next popular trend be? Foot rubs? Back rubs? What other secret pleasures could the masses possibly decide to ruin and monopolize on? There is money to be made here.