Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Raise your hand if you love fake appendages!

Oh, I do! I do!

However, I can't deny that I feel kind of ridiculous. Like a Barbie. A very glamorous, small-chested Barbie, with a digital camera as my action figure accessory. "Totally Hair Barbie" always was my favourite.

I mean, I've never even worn fake nails before, and I only wear false eyelashes on Halloween. Yet, here I am, sporting a full head of human hair, most of which I did not grow myself. Thank you mystery Japanese girl(s)!

Besides, what am I going to tell people? I can't really attribute a sudden full head of thick, long hair to puberty. I suppose it's plausible that those cobbler elves that fix shoes in the middle of the night may have taken up hairdressing. . .

. . .after all, are shoes even really "cobbled" anymore?


  1. Anonymous12:33 AM

    Don't you mean keebler elves? Cobbler is a dessert.

  2. you should start pulling your hair extentsons out in front of friends and reveal the scar you've been covering up for years that you got when you were in a mental institution...... a la Cindy on Melrose Place.... was it cindy.... i know it was that red head Marci Cross...

  3. >> after all, are shoes even really "cobbled" anymore?

    Shoes are, indeed, still cobbled -- but it's no longer done by elves. The work has been outsourced to a third world country where children workers earn a penny per shoe. The elves wanted 2 cents per shoe, but that was way too rich for the Nike's blood and they went offshore after the negotiations with the International Society of Laboring Elves (INSOLE) went sour.

    That's why we've seen the trend of elf-related violence steadilly increase over the last couple of years. These elves are unskilled laborers and their only source of income has completely vanished. What's an elf to do when his kids cry because they're going to bed without dinner for the third night in a row? Is stealing a loaf of bread to feed your hungry elven-kids really a crime? Who am I to judge?

    What we need in this country is serious elf reform legislation that specifically address the needs of our tiny shoe-loving friends. They're (little) people too, damn-it, and it's time that we recognize all of the contributions they have made over the years and give them the respect they deserve!

    Can I get an Amen?

  4. I'm supposed to be writing a 'best man' speech right now... but after reading that, I'm just not sure I can anymore...